Postponing Happiness
My clients seek services from me for a variety of reasons; perhaps they are looking to make change in regards to their mental health, humoring change within a relationship with a significant other, or becoming concerned that their substance use has gotten out of control.
Regardless of why clients have sought therapy, they are coming to me to improve aspects of their mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing. Plainly stated, clients desire the pursuit of living an increasingly happy and fulfilling life.
“I just want to be happy.”
A statement that has stood the test of time in regards to my time practicing as a clinician. Often those who are sharing sentiments such as this are navigating a particularly challenging and difficult time within their lives.
As the winter holidays have come to pass, the new year has provided an opportunity for reflection. Why not make this year the year in which you pursue happiness?
Happiness can be illusive, fleeting, and complicated. Let’s dig into some of the methods in which I help those who work with me achieve more happiness in their lives.
As some foreshadowing, this will be one of many blog posts that I devote towards the topic of “emotional regulation” this year. Emotional regulation: how to better understand, experience, communicate, and respond to our emotions.
Cultivating Happiness
First, let’s begin by talking about one of the many ways that I assist people in cultivating happiness within their lives. One of the most fruitful methods of changing our experience with emotions is by exploring and challenging our underlying thoughts surrounding our emotional experience.
I am imagining as a reader, you probably read that last sentence and had some questions. “So Bob, you’re telling me that in order to change how I experience emotions, I need to change my thoughts? Those are separate things! That doesn’t make any sense!”
Turns out that this is exactly what I am attempting to do with clients! This idea comes from a psychology theory termed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Chances are—if you have been looking for a therapist, had a course in psych for school, or read some type of self-help book related to personal change—you have likely heard about CBT.
I like to give my clients brief background information regarding CBT for multiple reasons:
Reason One: First and foremost, I am a huge nerd that loves talking about psychology theory.
Reason Two: I’ve worked with clients who have had previous experience with therapy. When asked what type of therapist my clients have previously worked with, they are often very uncertain what type of therapy they were participating in. I believe it is my role as a therapist to provide my clients a foundational understanding of the theories I practice so they can troubleshoot what works for them, have a collaborative role within goal setting etc. Don’t worry, there isn’t a test at the end of this educational experience!
What is CBT anyway? CBT can be easily oversimplified as… our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors influence one another, and culminate to create our experience. In order to create long lasting behavior change, we need to evaluate the manner in which we are working with our thoughts and emotions.
Some clients like to use the image I have provided below as a method of remembering how CBT works.
Our thoughts can inform us on our relationship with our emotions; these thoughts might not be conscious thoughts that we are always aware of, but may operate in the background and influence our behavior.
I’m going to be happy when…
Notice that I titled this blog, “Postponing Happiness.” I have facilitated a TON of group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, and therapy services in general. Through my experiences in working with others—and my research into behavior and psychotherapy—I have witnessed a common pattern in thinking that begins to become a barrier to people allowing themselves to experience satiation, satisfaction, and contentedness.
If you have read any of my other blogs (which I totally suggest that you do!), you’ll remember that I have worked with adolescents and adults within inpatient substance use and mental health programs. If I had a list to keep track of statements that I heard most during treatment, this statement would surely be at the top of the list…
“I am going to be happy when… (fill in the blank here, almost always an aspect of achieving and obtaining something in the future).”
Common statements I have heard using the aforementioned sentence format:
“I can’t wait to get sober so that I can be happy again”
“I am going to be so happy once I get my family’s forgiveness”
“I am going to be so happy once I graduate college with my degree”
These statements are not inherently detrimental. In fact, much can be learned from them regarding our desires, motivations, and goals. Unfortunately, these statements can also provide a barrier to our present experience of happiness, and here’s how.
Notice that each of these statements is FUTURE and ACHIEVEMENT oriented in nature. Once I achieve or obtain said conditions, I will be able to experience happiness. Statements such as these often provide a barrier to being present with our current emotions and reality.
What do these types of statements really say? For one, these statements assert that the person saying them is currently unhappy, and focused primarily on their unhappiness. People who are often making statements such as “I cannot wait to be happy,” are often experiencing unhappiness.
Another example of a theme that is present within these statements is “I need to obtain and achieve in order for me to experience happiness.”
Here is another example of a variant of this thinking pattern in a client who I had worked with previously: “I will only be able to forgive myself once I get sober, get a job, and get my kids back”
To provide clarity, none of the ideas mentioned above are unhealthy to any degree. All of these said task items (getting sober, obtaining employment, being present with family) are very productive and beneficial.
The difficulty exists in regards to how my client was framing their experience with forgiveness and self-love. In the last example, one can discern that my client was feeling a vast amount of shame for their actions in active addiction.
One Achievement Away
All of these statements allude to a concept called “postponed happiness.” You may have experienced or are currently experiencing thinking patterns associated with it. In a nutshell, people who fall into this pattern of thinking are often left feeling empty, lonely, angry, resentful and disappointed.
Why? Because happiness is always one achievement away. Often, even when the conditions of happiness are met, people often identify feeling less than satisfied with their achievement.
Example: “I thought I would be happy when I graduated from college and found a job, but it turns out that I was even more stressed that I thought I would be.”
When people participate in these types of thinking patterns, they set themselves up for future disappointment and often do not allow themselves to practice gratitude in the moment. This thinking pattern is a barrier towards people practicing gratitude and finding happiness, especially when life is difficult.
Changing the Narrative
How do we make change here?
Participating in therapy and exploring this with a therapist is paramount. If we are unaware that we are actively participating in these thought patterns, no change can exist.
Exploring how these thought patterns came to be. Is it something from our past that is coming up? Maybe an experience with our family members in early childhood, or trauma of our past that has culminated into our response.
Practicing gratitude often, especially during times of distress and discomfort. I am not, however, encouraging you to do this so that practicing gratitude can negate the suffering that you are experiencing (but we will cover this in another future blog post).
Lastly: Give yourself plenty of grace. My clients hear this from me constantly: behavior change is tricky! You are learning a new set of skills and practices that will feel clunky and challenging at first. Over time, the more you practice, the easier it will become for you to recognize if you are participating in thinking patterns that may get in the way of happiness.
Changing your thinking is one of the many aspects associated with living a more fulfilling life. If you identify with any of the content expressed in this post and think it could be beneficial to explore how you can become more happy, contact Undiscovered Potential to talk about it.
