What is Codependency? Pt. 1
I am OBSESSED with therapy. Helping people to develop a better understanding of themselves and to cultivate change within their lives is wonderfully gratifying. As such, I spend vast amounts of my free time reflecting on cases and researching the realm of psychology.
If you have been following my blogs thus far, it is no secret that I have honed many of my therapy skills in the arena of substance use and co-ocurring mental health disorders. What may come as a surprise is that assisting clients through navigating love and relationships is an ever present aspect within my work.
Chances are if you are reading this, you may have a notion of how codependency is defined, or that you yourself may have difficulty with aspects of it.
Regardless of presenting concerns (substance use, mental health, relationships, trauma, etc) many of my clients have a behavioral pattern in common: codependency.
I find that many of my clients come to me with an incomplete understanding of what codependency is and how it manifests in their lives (disclaimer: I find this completely natural and normal for the majority of people!). Let’s take some time to shed some preconceived notions of what codependency looks like.
Codependency in Evolutionary Psych & Family Systems
One of the most common experiences with the conceptualization of codependency is hearing a friend, family member or an acquaintance discussing codependency. When the topic of codependency is broached, it is not something the speaker is bragging about putting on their resume. More often than not, it has a negative connotation that is meant to point out a type of deficiency in an interaction style.
To better understand codependency, I look towards evolutionary psychology and family systems theory for a working definition.
In an evolutionary psychology perspective: human beings utilize each other to survive. If we were a hunter/gatherer society, portions of us would be gathering, while others would be hunting. The fruits of our combined labor would be shared within the community in hopes that individuals would not go hungry. The relationship we share allows us to live, prosper and procreate, continuing the genes for generations to come.
In a family systems theory, human behavior is seen as an adaptive method of meeting our needs. Human beings are incredibly resilient, and will assimilate to meet the demands of the system they are placed in.
Let’s take a look at a hypothetical scenario that illustrates how these theories combine to explain codependency.
This hypothetical scenario will include broad and indirect references to challenging material that may be emotionally stimulating. Please use your discretion and take care of yourself!
Imagine that you live in a household in which your father is an alcoholic in active addiction. Unfortunately, when your father comes home drunk after a long night of binge drinking, he is verbally and physically abusive with you and your family members. Some evenings are fine, and others are far from it. Over time, you never really know what to expect other than inconsistency and fear.
To compensate for this fear, you begin to take on aspects of people-pleasing behavior. You begin doing your best to ensure that the mood is jovial and light hearted. You become focused on the well being of others—especially your father—because you speculate that if you could gain some aspects of control in this system, it could result in less abuse. Perhaps this works for a while (and I use the term “works” loosely here) and reinforces the behavior pattern. Eventually you become so concerned with the emotional health of your father and family that you allow your own needs to go unnoticed or unattended to. By diminishing your own needs and sense of self in this situation, you are attempting to attend to your needs of safety and security.
Although this hypothetical situation is specific, I find it likely that readers can identify with aspects of it within their own family relationships and histories. Simply put, codependency is a set of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that attempt to make sense of and navigatie family dysfunction and generational trauma. At one point in time, codependency and behaviors associated with it likely had a very real and valid goal of attempting to procure stability in a likely unstable environment.
Problems arise through codependency when people attempt to use the same behavior patterns in different environments (as an adult, within work scenarios, within their own intimate relationships and so on).
Too often, I hear a one-sided definition of the word codependency. When I hear codependency shared in a negative context, I think it fails to explore where and why codependency came to exist. Through exploring the beginnings of codependency, we can unpack and further understand how to create effective changes in the present.
Up Next
I recognize at this point in the blog that I have yet to provide a clear definition of how codependency is categorized. As codependency is a nuanced and complex topic, I will be revisiting this in my second installment of the blog. My second installment will also include methods of taking inventory and determining if codependency could be a topic within individual therapy sessions.
Stay tuned and thank you for reading!
